Of All The Enfernal Distractions!
by Nefret429
Summary: Crossover with the Amelia Peabody series, by Elizabeth Peters; The Mummy, only this time the Emersons are along for the ride! Insanity of the best variety! R&R!
1. First Meetings and Old Friends

"Of all the Enfernal Distractions!" A funny, twisted retelling of the Mummy... Evy meets up with an old friend and her family in Egypt and they all go off looking for Hamunaptra. Ardeth dosen't know what to make of the legendary Sitt Hakim, and Emerson is, well, Emerson... Crossover with the Ameila Peabody series by Elizabeth Peters.  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own any of these characters. The Emersons are property of Elizabeth Peters and everybody else is owned by Universal, I guess.  
  
Note: The timeline here is really weird. In the books, the Emersons lived in the 1900-1917 period, while The Mummy takes place later. For creative purposes, the times, ages and etc. have been shifted... PLEASE don't sue me! This takes place right before the book He Shall Thunder in the Sky in the Emerson's universe, so Nefret and Ramses haven't actually gotten together... yet.  
  
* * *  
  
Evelyn Carnahan stared at her elder brother in shock. He was sitting in the display sarcoughegus, looking rather drunk.  
"Have you no respect for the dead?!" she hissed, grabbing the arm of the mummy her brother had in his lap.  
"Oh, of course I do, Evy, but sometimes i'd rather like to join them!" Jonathan declared with a rediculas grin.  
"Well, I wish you would do it sooner rather than later, before you ruin My carrer the way you've ruined yours. Oh, come on Jonathan get out."  
"My dear baby sister, I'll have you know that right now my life is on a high note!" Jonathan declared drunkenly.  
"High note, ha! Oh, come on Jonathan, I'm really not in the mood for you," Evy began to pace in the area between the coffin and a large statue of Ra,"I've just made a bit of the mess in the liberary, and the Bimbridge scholars have rejected my application form AGAIN; they say I don't have enough experience in the field!" Jonathan's face sobered up slightly at his sister's obvious distress. He clammered out of the coffin and threw an arm around her shoulders.  
"You'll always have me, old mum," he grinned and began to giggle,"Besides, I have something that will cheer you up!"  
"Oh, no, Jonathan, not another worthless trinket. If I have to take one more peice of junk to the curator to try and... sell for you... where did you get this?" She stared down at the small gold box he had fished out of the coffin.  
"On a dig, down in, uh, Thebes. All my life I've never found anything, please tell me I found something?" Evelyn twisted the bottom half of the octogonal box and several triangle peices flipped outward to form a star. She pulled a folded sheet of papryus out of the center of the box.  
"Jonathan," Evy said softly,"I think you found something."  
  
"See the cartouche there? It's the official royal seal of Seti the First, I'm sure of it!" Eveyln told the museum curator excitedly.  
"Perhaps..." the Arab studdied the map skepticly.  
"Two questions!" Jonathan leaned on the mahogany desk, just as excited as his sister,"Who the hell was Seti the First, and was he rich?"  
"He was the second pharaoh of the 19th Dynasty, said to be the wealthiest pharaoh of them all," Evelyn answered.  
"Good, I like this fellow, I like him VERY much!"  
"I've already dated the map, it's over three thousand years old," she pointed to the paper,"And if you look at the heratic there... well, it's Hamunaptra."  
"Don't be rediculas!" the curator snapped,"We're scholars, not treasure hunters. Hamunaptra is a myth, told by ancient Arab storytellers to amuse Greek and Roman tourists."  
"Yes, yes, I know all the silly blather about the city being protected by the curse of the mummy nonsense, BUT my research has led me to believe that the city itself may have actually existed."  
"Are we talking about THE Hamunaptra?" Jonathan asked suddenly.  
"Yes. The City of the Dead. Where the earliest pharaohs were said to have buried the wealth of Egypt."  
"Yeah, in a big, underground treasure chamber," he began to circle the desk, waving his hands excitedly. The curator snorted.  
"Oh, come on, everyone knows the story! The entire acropolis was rigged to sink into the sand, a flick of the switch, and the whole place would disappear into the sand dunes... taking the treasure with it."  
"As the Americans would say," the curator shook out the map to get a better look, and accidently caught the corner on fire,"It's all fairytales and hokum- Oh my goodness!" The Carnahans fell to the floor, trying to put out the fire. Jonathan lifted it carefully.  
"You burnt it!" he cried accusingly,"You burnt off the part with the lost city!"  
"It's for the best, i'm sure. Many men have wasted their lives in the foolish pursuit of Hamunaptra. No one's ever found it. Most have never returned."  
"Um, excuse me," Jonathan stared at the beautiful young woman entered the room,"I was looking for- Evy?"  
"Nefret?" Evy asked, incredulous.  
"Ah, Miss Forth. Forgive me. The Father of Curses must be waiting. I had better go see to him. I see you know Miss Carnahan. Perhaps you can convince her and her wayward brother they are wasting their time. Excuse me." The curator left as the pretty redhead ran forward to embrace Evy. She then turned to Jonathan.  
"So this is the infamous Jonathan," she grinned,"It's nice to finally meet you. I'm Nefret Forth, by the way. I went to school with Evy in England. What was that all about...?"  
"Nefret?" a slender, handsome young man poked his head into the room,"I just thought i'd let you know that were heading back to the hotel. Father is harassing the staff agian..."  
"Oh, Ramses, you never met Evy, did you?" Nefret asked, blue eyes wide.  
"No, I don't believe so."  
"Well, this is Evelyn Carnahan. I went to school with her."  
"Ah, yes, i've heard of your father," Ramses smiled and held out his hand,"I'm Ramses Emerson." Evy's eyes widened slightly,"Oh, my. I've read your book on heiroglyphics. Very impressive."  
"Thank you," his tanned face flushed slightly.  
"This is my brother, Jonathan," Evy introduced the men.  
"Nice to meet you, old chap," Jonathan nodded, trying to act like a dignified older man. Ramses raised his eyebrows slightly, but nodded demurly.  
"RAMSES!" a loud bellow made Evy jump and Ramses wince.  
"Yes, Father?" he called back.  
"Where in the devil- Oh. Hallo. Er, Nefret..." a very large man with curly black hair and peircing sapphire eyes entered the room. Dressed only in a collarless flannel shirt and plain trousers, he still cut a rather imposing figure,"Friend of yours?" Nefret smiled, tossing her hair over her shoulders.  
"Yes, Professor. These are the Carnahans. I went to school with Evelyn, remember? I know I told you about her. Anyway, this is her brother Jonathan."  
"Ah, yes I met Carnahan. Your father, I presume? He was never the best excavator, but his ideas were interesting..." Radcliffe Emerson, known as the Father of Curses by the Arab population of most of Egypt, nodded thoughtfully. Evy and Jonathan exchanged rather confused glances.  
"No one's techniques measure up with yours, Professor. This is Radcliffe Emerson. I told you about my family, didn't I Evy?"  
"You mentioned them, yes, but I never thought..." Evy stared up with wonder. Then she seemed to remember her manners and nodded politly at one of the most skilled and famous Egyptologists of her time,"It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Emerson."  
"Bah, you're a friend of my daughter's, aren't you? My name is Emerson, not Mister," Emerson grinned savagely,"What are you two 'wasting your time' with? I know he can be a stingy old bloke, particularly with any artifacts relating to that damned city... Well, look at this. Perfectly preserved... Amazing. Where did you get this?" Evy looked to Jonathan, who grimaced.  
"Well, about that..."  
  
Hiya, folks! Hope you like it! I'm a huge fan of both series and a crossover was just beckoning to be done... Please review!  
  
Later  
  
Neffy 


	2. City of the Dead, bah!

Thanks SO much for the reviews! So, onto chapter 2... First, the points of view: the story is in third person, but every chapter from now on'll start with an excerpt from Amelia's Journal, where we get her thoughts on all this madness. Anyway, just wanted to clear that up! Also, for those of you who have only read the first one or two Amelia Peabody books, Ramses (his real name is Walter) is Emerson and Amelia's son, Nefret is their adopted daughter (in Last Camel Died at Noon). I might add in David at some point if you guys want (He's Ramses' best friend and Blood Brother). Okay, well, I'll shut up now and let you read the story. Later... Neffy  
  
Excerpt from the Jounals of Amelia Peabody Emerson 1933  
  
Today was an interesting day to say the very least. If the Reader is as learnt as my Self-Appointed Critic seems to think, they will have heard of the lost city of Hamunaptra. Indeed, it was my belief that no such city existed. The City of the Dead, bah, as Emerson would put it. It is well known that West Thebes was known as the City of the Dead, because all that was made there in ancient times was funarary equipment. Still, silly, uninformed tourists are very pleased with the romance in the Hamunaptra story, I suppose. It wasn't very likely that it actually happened; I haven't heard of any tomb or inscription that aknowledges the existance of any Anak-Su-Namun or Imhotep, for that matter. And I have seen the excavations at Seti's tomb myself!  
On a different note, I was quite pleased to meet Nefret's friend Evelyn. She told me so much about young Miss Carnahan, though she never mentioned her brother. Mr. Carnahan is rather... well, let us just say he is a very enthusiastic individual. And that's putting it mildly. He is also a bit of an unscrupulus man, as well, but I don't think it is much more than sevarl ouotragous gambling debts and a penchant for taking things that belong to others. In any case, I believe that Emerson scared him into submission upon their first meeting.  
But now I must end, for we are off to Cairo Prison to find the gentleman that Mr. Carnahan stole the box from. Quite a intriuging trinket, unlike anything I have seen before. I hope we can get answers at the prison.  
  
* * *  
  
"Come, come," The short, fat warder waved his hands in a vaugely welcoming gesture,"Step over the threshold. Welcome to Cairo Prison, my humble home."  
"Humble, bah," Emerson muttered under his breath. He knew full well that humility was NOT a trait admired by Egyptians.  
"Jonathan, you told me you got it on a dig down in Thebes," Evy snapped accusingly.  
"Well, I was mistaken," he answered.  
"You lied to me!"  
"I lie to EVERYONE, Evy, what makes you so special?"  
"I am your sister!"  
"Yes, well that just makes you more gullible."  
"Jonathan, you stole it from a drunk in the local caspa!"  
"Picked his pocket, actually, so I don't think it's wise-" They argued as they walked into Cairo Prison, followed by the four Emersons. They had been introduced to the family matriarch a few minutes before. Amelia Peabody Emerson looked more than a little confused, but her son and daughter were filling her in on the way. The Carnahans continued to argue as the entered the fort-like confines of the prison.  
"Oh, Jonathan, would you stop being so rediculas?" she turned back to the warder,"Now, what exactly is this man in prison for?"  
"This, I do not know," he glanced at the cell he had led them to,"But when I heard you were coming, I asked him that myself."  
"And what did he say, I wonder?" Emerson growled quietly, a warning for the squat Egyptian not to lie to them.  
"That he was just looking for a good time!" he said confidently,"I would not lie to the Father of Curses," he muttered under his breath.  
"Of course not," Emerson nodded at the Arab,"Well, we came to see a man, so show us one!" The Arab glared breifly as the guards inside dragged a scragily young man out into the cage-like outer cell. His long, tangled brown hair hung around feirce blue eyes. Nefret's delicate eyebrows rose at the sight of the man, while Evelyn appeared rather entranced.  
"This- this is the man that you stole it from?" she grabbed Jonathan.  
"Yes, exactly, so why don't we just sniff out a spot of tiffany-"  
"Who're you?" the prisoner asked, clearly American from his accent,"And who's the broad?"  
"Broad?" Evy asked, confused.  
"Oh, i'm just sort of a missionary chap, spreading the good word and all... this is my sister, Evy," Jonathan stammered, shoving Evy in front of him. She smiled politely.  
"How do you do?"  
"Well," the American shrugged,"At least she's not a total loss..."  
"I beg your pardon!" she cried indignantly, understanding him perfectly now. The warder yelled something in Arabic at one of the other cells, before turning back to them,"I'll be back in a moment." As soon as he left, Jonathan began prodding Evy agian.  
"Ask him about the box," he whispered.  
"Ah, yes... um, hallo, excuse me," Evy waved a hand in front of the man's face to catch his attention.  
"Yeah," he turned to her.  
"We found... well, we both found your-puzzle box, and well, we've come to ask you about it."  
"No," the man shook his head.  
"No..." Evy looked disapointed.  
"No. You came to ask me about Hamunaptra," he answered with a certianty that made it sound as if he had been asked this question far too many times.  
"How-" Evy glanced around and covered her face with her hat,"How did you know that the box pertains to Hamunaptra?"  
"Because that's where I was when I found it," the American shrugged,"I was there."  
"Look," Jonathan visiably puffed up,"How do WE know that's not a load of pig swallow?"  
"Do I know you?" the other man asked.  
"No, no," Jonathan assured him,"I've just got one of those faces-" The Englishman was cut off by a punch to the jaw as the American's eyes went wide with recognation.  
"You were actually AT Hamunaptra."  
"Yeah," he grinned slightly at her enthusiasum, and complete disregard for her brother laying prostrate on the ground,"I was there."  
"You swear!"  
"Every damn day..."  
"No, no, I didn't mean that-"  
"I know what you meant, Seti's place, City of the Dead."  
"Could you tell me how to get there?" The American raised his eyebrows.  
"I mean," Evy leaned in closer,"The exact location."  
"You wanna know?"  
"Well, yes."  
"You really wanna know?"  
"Yes." He motioned her closer until he grabbed her face and kissed her.  
"Then get me the hell outta here!" Several guards grabbed him, dragging him away. He began to fight agianst them, yelling at her the whole time.  
"Just do it, lady!" Evy stared as they dragged him out of the outer cell.  
"W-where are they taking him?"  
"To be hanged," the warder was back, looking Evy up and down sardonicly,"Apparently, he had a VERY good time!"  
"Well," Emerson crossed his arms where he stood a few yards away,"That went well. Now we'll be bloody lucky to get him out alive..."  
"Language, Emerson," Amelia said absently.  
  
Hehe, this is a really fun story to write. I hope I got the spirit of all the characters. Oh, next chapter, the parasol at work (for all y'all who know what the parasol is)! Tune in! Please R&R! ~Neffy 


	3. Honeymoon to Remember

Sorry I took so long! I have absolutely no excuse for not updating in a year, almost, only for not updating lately. That one goes by the name of Frances. Ya know, the monster of a hurricane that flattened most of Florida? Anyway, I'm so sorry!

Oh, new organization from this point on, more like the Amelia Peabody series (manuscript H, etc.). And the parasol action will have to wait. Anyway, here ya go, enjoy!

Oh, yeah, to Sarah Sparrow: I've read up to the Golden One, too. There's a new one that comes out in April? Hadn't heard, thanks for letting me know! And thanks to everyone else who reviewed, y'all made my day!

Neffy

Seated in the balcony of the prison's main courtyard (where the warden had graciously agreed to let us watch the forthcoming execution), we were all waiting for the "show" to begin. Miss Carnahan was seated up front, next to the warden, with the rest of us in the back of the balcony with her still-unconscious brother. Ramses loomed over the side, watching the scene with his unreadable dark eyes.

The gallows were unremarkable; I suppose any primitive prison would have an exact copy. The prisoners were a rather rowdy bunch, to say the least. They seemed to greatly enjoy banging on their cell bars loudly and screaming something- I believe it is the gentleman's name, O'Connell, or some such- and all I can say to that is that it makes a dreadful noise.

The man himself is obviously American. Not the respectable sort that we have known over the years, but from what I have seen he may well be quite a nice person. However, I may just have to change that to past tense in a few moments. It seems he won't be lasting long.

"I will give you a hundred pounds to save this man's life!" Young Miss Carnahan was arguing with the warden again.

"Me' dam, I would pay a hundred pounds to see him dead!"

"Two! Two hundred pounds!"

"Proceed!" the warden shouted to the other prison workers.

"Three hundred pounds!" Evelyn was shouting uselessly," Five hundred pounds!"

The Arab stopped at that and yelled for the guard to stop for the moment.

"And what else?" He asked, being so forward as to grip her knee, "I am a very lonely man..."

I was quite amazed at his effrontery, and was about to interfere when Emerson stopped me with a mischievous grin. Shortly after this comment, Miss Carnahan proved herself not so naive after all; with a hard slap from her book, the warden stood angrily. She might be the death of the American, after all- wounding an Arab male's pride is a capital offense to them. In fact, wounding ANY male's pride is. He motioned to the guard to release the rope, despite Evelyn's protests.

"Haha!" the warden grinned broadly and laughed as the American swung from his neck,"His neck did not break! Oh, I'm so sorry. Now we must watch him strangle to death!"

From his enthusiastic response, it wouldn't be very much of an ordeal at all.

"He knows the location to Hamunaptra," Evelyn said quietly. It was a last-ditch effort, as the Americans say.

"You lie," the warden stared at her skeptically. The girl looked offended.

"I would never!"

"Are you trying to tell me that this filthy, Godless, son of a pig, knows where to find the City of the Dead?"

"Yes!"

"Truly!"

"Yes! And if you cut him down, we will give you... ten percent."

"Thirty."

"Twenty."

"Twenty-five!"

"Ah! Deal!"

The warden realized what had happened and groaned before signaling to the man at the gallows.

"Cut him down!"

The other prisoners cried out and banged on their cell bars once again. It was beginning to get irritating. I glanced over at Emerson, who was busily watching the scene below.

"Alright," I said briskly,"If we are through here, I believe we should collect our charge and get moving. Come on then."

The next day, we all met at the port. We decided that it would be easier to leave our own boat behind and travel with the Carnahans and their American. Emerson was off looking after the baggage and we were waiting to board.

"Do you really think he's going to show up?" Evelyn was asking her brother and Nefret irritably.

"Undoubtedly, knowing my luck," Jonathan answered.

"Well, if you ask me," she stated,"I think he's filthy, rude, a complete scoundrel, I don't like him one bit!"

"Anyone I know?" the American came out of the crowds, though I certainly wouldn't have recognized him. He had shaved and gotten a haircut, as well as new clothing so he looked somewhat respectable. Somewhat. He stopped between Jonathan and Ramses, a large duffel sack slung over one shoulder at Jonathan and pulled his wallet from his coat.

"Oh, no," the older man protested,"I'd never steal from a partner... partner."

"I'd hope you wouldn't steal from any of us..." I warned in a stiff voice. He nodded and grinned idiotically.

"Good, we'd best be off. Come on then..." I led the group towards the boat.

"Look, if this is just some sort of scam, I AM warning you, I-" Evelyn began barrading our guest.

"You're WARNING me?" Mr. O'Connell stared at her in disbelief,"Look lady, my whole damn garrison believed in this so much that, without orders, we marched halfway through Libya and into Egypt to find that city. And when we got there, all we found was sand and blood. Let me get your bags."

"Yes," Jonathan moved behind her,"You're right. Filthy, rude, a complete scoundrel."

Evelyn looked up at him with a mischievous glint in her eyes and followed the American. Nefret and Ramses exchanged glances and followed them towards the ramp. I was about to join them when I heard the unmistakable sound of a motorcar. I could only pray that it wasn't what I thought it was.

Unfortunately, my husband had decided he couldn't live without the large, obnoxious bright yellow motorcar he had insisted we were in dire need of. It was known throughout Egypt, by every person (respectable and unscrupulous alike) we had acquaintances with. I lowered my head, entirely embarrassed; He must have spent a fortune trying to convince the officials to let him take that monstrosity on board, even with his "connections". No sane Egyptian defies the needs of the Father of Curses. Neither does anyone else, no matter their cultural backgrounds.

I was equally stunned to see a very familiar head of ebony curls. David Todros, once a forger of antiquities, now a very blessed artist and a second son to both myself and Emerson, came swinging towards me, dressed in a regal European suit; irony of ironies. He and Ramses resembled each other very much, however it was the actual Egyptian boy who looked to be English.

"David?" I exclaimed, as he grinned and kissed my hand. A gentleman to the last.

"Aunt Amelia," he smiled warmly,"I'm told you are embarking on another adventure. You would not let me miss it, would you?"

"I was under the impression you would be at home with you're wife," I said suspiciously. David had recently married Emerson's niece, Lia. Despite much opposition, the two were very much in love and bound and determined to make it official.

"Well..." he trailed off sheepishly,"We were planning on visiting you, but the Professor managed to secure two more tickets, so..."

"Aunt Amelia!" Amelia Emerson Todros flung her small body at me, gold curls flying from beneath her hat.

"My dear, what are you two doing here? Shouldn't you be on you're honeymoon?"

"Where better to go than on an adventure with our dear family?" Lia exclaimed giddily,"Where is Nefret? And who is this new family the Professor is talking about?"

"It's a bit of a long story, dear..." I muttered, leading my extensive and nosey family to the waiting boat.


End file.
